Intj and esfp friendship

Intj and esfp friendship DEFAULT

We’ve all had someone we live with who we love dearly, but seem to always be bumping heads with! After years of working with cohabitating couples, we’ve learned a thing or two about the challenges different personality types face when they’re forced to share one space. It ain’t easy but with a little love and a lot of understanding and compromise even two types as different as an INTJ and ESFP can find a way to live in harmony. Here is how!

All About INTJ (Pixie Type: Smart Structure)

 INTJs are the type of people that are born with greatness inside of them because of their distinct ability to analyze the world around them and solve problems within it in calculated (and often unique) ways.

As most of you know, the Myers Briggs system was integral in our creation of the four pixie types. There are 16 different Myers Briggs personality types, all identified by different letter combinations. These letters are: E/I, S/N, T/F, and J/P. They stand for Extraversion versus Introversion, Sensing versus Intuition, Thinking versus Feeling, and Judging versus Perceiving.

If you’re an INTJ (Pixie Type: Smart Structure) it’s likely that you already kind of had a feeling about it. INTJs are the type of people that are born with greatness inside of them because of their distinct ability to analyze the world around them and solve problems within it in calculated (and often unique) ways. INTJs make up the smallest chunk of the population, stacking up to be about 10% of all people. INTJs are also the ones that make up most of the world-changers and leaders, and are usually the easiest to associate with high positions of power like president, CEO, creative director, and more.

INTJ stands for Introversion, Intuitive, Thinking and Judging. Traits of INTJ personality types are:

  • Visionaries
  • Determined
  • Thoughtful
  • Logical
  • Decisive
  • Quietly innovative
  • In pursuit of improvement and excellence

While you may not be as outgoing as your ESFP housemate (more on that in a minute) you are actually one of the easiest types to live with because your organizational demands are flexible, apart from a few of the typical conflicts that come when you share a living space. You really don’t have too many problems with ESFPs. Sure, there’s the occasional organizational detail that may be lost on you that isn’t on them. Despite their fun loving nature, ESFPs can be more detail-oriented than you would expect.

However, the biggest issue an INTJ is going to have when living with an ESFP is time management. For as practical and detail oriented as they are, ESFPs still end up being late to just about everything. Remind them when there is an important event coming up, and stress how important it is that they arrive on time. If that doesn’t work, lie. If you have somewhere you need to be at 6:00, tell them it starts at 5:30! That usually does the trick. But what about in cases where the planning is last minute? Give your ESFP partner a deadline for when they have to have an answer to you. This is especially true if you are traveling and need to make arrangements.

Once you two get into the swing of things, it should be a pretty peaceful household. You’ll manage to keep things relatively clean because let’s be real here, neither of you are concerned with having a super tidy home.

All About ESFP (Pixie Type: Fun Freedom)

An ESFP is very different from an INTJ. ESFPs (or Pixie Type: Fun Freedom) are fun loving extroverts that are always the life of the party.

An ESFP is very different from an INTJ. ESFPs (or Pixie Type: Fun Freedom) are fun loving extroverts that are always the life of the party. They are very accepting of others and very open to differences. They love people of all kinds and usually have huge social networks. They are also incredibly compassionate and empathetic, open and funny. These are genuine people with a “go with the flow” attitude and they make for great friends.

ESFP stands for Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling and Perceiving. Traits of ESFP personality types are:

  • Bold
  • Original
  • Practical
  • Observant
  • Sensitive
  • Easily Bored
  • Conflict-averse


ESFPs are great friends but do they make for a great housemate for an INTJ? As we mentioned up above, there shouldn’t be that many conflicts between ESFPs and INTJs, but some issues still need to be addressed. INTJs pay closer attention to the clock than an ESFP does, so the ESFP should give a time frame for their plan on being somewhere. An INTJ will be less annoyed if they’re not in limbo all of the time. INTJs are big-picture thinkers, so they’re more patient than other, more detail-oriented types. That being said, they do have their limits so try not to push it.

INTJs are very sentimental and have a harder time letting go of things than an ESFP does, so they accumulate more clutter. The limit for what an ESFP can tolerate clutter-wise is much lower than the INTJ type. In this pairing, the ESFP must learn to tolerate living with clutter, or be the impetus for decluttering, which means it might not happen as much as the ESFP would like it to.

Having problems with a housemate who has different organizational goals than you? Buy our book and learn how to bring harmony back your house!


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Opposites Attract…Then What?

The next few articles will concentrate on pairings of opposite ‘types’. We are often attracted to our opposites because they seem to provide the ingredients missing from our personalities and somehow together we feel more complete. However, as with many relationships, what initially attracts us to our mate can often become the very thing that causes difficulties later on.

Over the next few weeks, I will highlight the 8 opposite pairings possible out of the 16 MBTI personality ‘types’. You may recognize you and your partner as a couple in these pairings, or may find your partner in a subsequent article. It’s all food for thought with a goal to create greater understanding of each other.

Remember, all relationships require effort to keep them strong and positive and that even wonderful relationships can be destroyed by neglect.

When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no hard and fast rules or formulas that when applied, guarantee the desired outcome.

ESFP (The Performer) & INTJ (The Scientist)

Like all couples whose ‘types’ are opposite on all of the 4 dichotomies (E-I, S-N, T-F, J-P), this pairing has much to offer one another, much to learn from one another and much to face in terms of challenges to the relationship.

ESFP – The Performer

              4-9% of the population

              6.9% men   10.1% women

Warm, outgoing, friendly entertainers, ESFPs are vivacious and talkative and enjoy the company of lots of different personality types, as long as they are down-to-earth and real. They tend to be the center of attention and are often seen in the company of other easygoing, optimistic individuals. Generally ESFPs are concerned with what they are doing at the moment and do not naturally anticipate future events or the consequences of their choices. Task completion can sometimes be problematic due to the ESFP’s enthusiastic, social, spontaneous nature which can pull them in a variety of directions. Realistic, literal and practical, ESFPs notice beauty everywhere and tend to surround themselves with sensory pleasures such as wonderful smells, bright colours, soft fabrics and natural elements. They often take great pride in their appearance and spend time keeping fit. ESFPs lead busy lives and rush excitedly from one activity to another experiencing life to the fullest. This high level of energy often leads the ESFP to overextend themselves and this can result in running late or forgetting appointments. ESFPs are often in ‘catch-up’ mode. They are curious, loyal friends and great companions with a matter-of-fact style and a sensitivity to other people’s feelings. Although they appear generally open and expressive they tend to shut away their most private feelings and share them with only a select few. Confrontation makes the ESFP uncomfortable so they tend to avoid insensitive people. They are sympathetic and compassionate and can be disappointed by others because they refuse to see anything but their most positive attributes. Because they rarely apply objective analysis to their decisions, counting solely on their feelings and values to make decisions, ESFPs run the risk of being taken advantage of. They also have a very hard time breaking free of unhealthy relationships. This happy-go-lucky ‘type’ will spend their lives trying to find a balance between head and heart.

INTJ – The Scientist

             2-4% of the population

             3.3% men   2.1% women

Ingenious innovators, INTJs are able to make connections and understand the future implications of current actions. They are future oriented with curious, original, creative minds and have a unique talent for  figuring out better ways to do something…whether it be a household chore, building a better mousetrap or reorganizing an entire system. INTJs are also very interested in self-improvement, constantly trying to increased their knowledge and competence. Although somewhat hesitant to try new physical experiences, INTJs are daring intellectually and are able to grasp and analyze complex issues using their excellent critical thinking skills.The independent  INTJ, sets very high personal standards and constantly seeks out new intellectual challenges. Because INTJs can become overly focused on their inner world of ideas and possibilities, they can sometimes appear as the ‘absent-minded professor’, wearing mis-matched socks, having difficulty communicating with people not as technically versed, failing to understand the costs involved in one of their projects, and being uninterested in trying to find common ground with those of different strengths. INTJs tend to operate on an intellectual level and can be quite unaware or surprised at the emotional reactions of others. They may become so immersed in their own projects that they need to be reminded to nurture their important relationships. INTJs tend to be perfectionists. The high standards they hold themselves to, may also be expected of others, and they can be condescending or highly critical  of those who fail to measure up. Because INTJs are so private, they are hard to get to know and usually prefer to spend their time alone with their ideas or with equally competent colleagues. They do not like to explain themselves or their ideas to those they interpret as being less competent or not genuinely interested. Hard working and determined, INTJs have enviable focus and will not be deterred from their goals. This admirable determination, however, may result in their being stubborn, inflexible and unable to transition easily from one project to another.

As Partners


ESFPs and INTJs are often intrigued by their differences and may have very exciting relationships. However, like all opposite ‘type’ pairings, they have many challenges and may have to work hard to understand each other. ESFPs are often initially attracted to the calm, creative, independent and intellectual aspects of their INTJ partners. They admire how organized, competent and self-disciplined their partners are and appreciate their planful approach to the future. The INTJ partner often helps the ESFP to slow down, be more objective and learn to anticipate future needs and consequences before diving headlong into things. They provide a calm stability. The INTJ partner is often attracted to the warmth, enthusiasm, energy and joy of life that their ESFP partner brings to their world. INTJs often feel loved like never before by their generous and nurturing ESFP partners. INTJs also admire they way their ESFP partners are loved by so many and appreciate how down-to-earth they are. ESFPs help to bring the INTJs out of their shells and expose them to some excitement and social opportunities. They help the INTJ  get out of their heads, learn to express their feelings, open themselves to the help of others, and appreciate the joys and beauty around them.


ESFPs and INTJs have many opportunities for growth, but because of their significant differences they also may experience frequent frustrations. They tend to have different interests and goals. ESFPs are very social people and want to spend time with friends and having fun. INTJs are much more private and want to maintain a smaller circle of friends that share the same interests. While ESFPs are talkative, INTJs are quiet and need to think things through before speaking. In this partnership, the ESFP may feel, lonely, ignored and shut out of their partners’ lives , whereas their INTJ partner may feel that their ESFP partner spends too much time working and socializing with other people outside of the home. INTJs may also feel crowded and frustrated by the socializing of their ESFP partners and bored with small talk. Conversely, EFSPs may feel constrained and bored with the more solitary existence of their INTJ partner. Communication may prove challenging for this ‘type’ pairing. In conversation, ESFPs may tend to overwhelm INTJs with their exuberance, details and verbal fluency, while INTJs  are often vague, abstract and too complicated to understand. ESFPs also like to ask questions and may not wait for a response before asking more, whereas the INTJ may become particularly frustrated and impatient when their partners don’t instantly make the connections that they see.

Understanding Your Personality is the First Step Towards a Happy Relationship

I know I have said it before, but it is worth repeating. If you understand yourself, the inherent strengths and weaknesses of your personality ‘type’, you are much better equipped to understand and respect the differences of others. This knowledge is invaluable when building a happy, healthy relationship where both individuals are appreciated for what they bring to the relationship and loved for who they really are.

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INTJ and ESFP – Compatibility, Relationships, and Friendships

Extraversion and Introversion

An extravert and introvert may have some issues with one wanting the other to open up more, and one wanting the other wanting the other to give them some time alone. However, they can also be good to balance each other out, allowing the extravert to feel more comfortable introspecting, and the introvert has someone to encourage them to socialize and try new things more often.

INTJ Introversion

The INTJ  prefers introversion to extraversion. The INTJ is energized by alone time and will use it to help sort out their thoughts. The INTJ seeks to understand patterns and underlying meanings behind what people say and do.

ESFP Extraversion

The ESFP prefers extraversion to introversion. The ESFP gets energized by people and wants to take in the world through their five senses to better experience it.

Sensing and Intuition

A sensor and an intuitive will face some challenges in conversation. The Sensor lives in the concrete world of facts and senses, while the intuitive tends to wonder more about possibilities and what is not immediately recognizable. While these two types may struggle, they may also balance each other out by being able to get things done and also foresee future issues.

INTJ Intuition

The INTJ prefers intuition to sensing (Through Introverted Intuition). The INTJ wants to understand the underlying meanings and connections between things. The INTJ can form a gut feeling or intuition about the way things are going to play out.

ESFP Sensing

The ESFP prefers sensing to intuition (Using Extraverted Sensing). The ESFP wants to make sense of the world and uses their five senses of touch, feel, see, taste, and smell to better understand the present moment.

Thinking and Feeling

A thinker and a feeler can make for an interesting dynamic. The thinker can help sort through logical issues, but may be seen as harsh to a feeler. The feeler can help the thinker understand their emotions more, but can be seen as too emotional and flighty to a thinker. However, both of these types can make for a very healthy balance.

INTJ Thinking

The INTJ prefers thinking to feeling (Using Extraverted Thinking). The INTJ wants the world to be logical and orderly. The INTJ wants conclusive plans of action and concrete understand of the way things works. This universal acceptance of logic is used to help the INTJ form their worldview.

ESFP Feeling

The ESFP prefers feeling to thinking (Using Introverted Feeling). The ESFP has a rich inner world of morals, feelings, and ideals that it seeks to better understand. The ESFP tends to use this inner guidance as a force to express themselves in the world.

Judging and Perceiving

A judger and a perceiver can surprisingly get along pretty well. The judger prefers to make plans, and the perceiver has little problem with deferring. Problems can arise when the judger becomes to imposing, or when the perceiver’s flexibility of schedules can be seen as an annoyance.

INTJ Judging

The INTJ prefers judging to perceiving. The INTJ prefers structure, routine, and planning things out versus being spontaneous. The INTJ wants to bring structure, order, and organization to their environment.

ESFP Perceiving

The ESFP prefers the Perceiving preference to Judging. The ESFP prefers to leave time for decisions instead of coming to an immediate conclusion. The ESFP prefers new experiences and flexible possibilities to predictable moments.

Inside the mind of the ESFP

As an Intuitive Thinking type, you approach relationships a little differently than the average person. You have a lively mind and an appetite for ideas. More than any other type, you like to spend time with people who can keep up with you mentally and who expose you to new ideas and worldviews. Ultimately, what you are looking for in relationships is intellectual stimulation—although you also appreciate people who can draw out your softer side.

Your counterpart is a Sensing Perceiver type, which means their core focus is enjoying the moment. In relationships, this means that they look for people that they have an easy synergy with, and often prioritize one thing: FUN. As an SP type, your counterpart doesn't think too hard about whether they connect with other people on a deep level. They're simply looking for companions to keep them company on this crazy ride called life.

You're likely to be of two minds when you first meet this person. On the one hand, they may strike you as quite uncomplicated—which you don't necessarily see as a good thing. You may question if they are interesting enough to get to know. On the other hand, it doesn't escape you that this person seems to be enjoying life quite a bit, and you'll probably be curious to find out if they know something you don't. Although you have obvious differences, you may find yourself wanting to learn more.

You tend to be imaginative, unconventional, and interested in innovation. You think deeply and enjoy playing with ideas. You rarely take anything at face value, and enjoy analyzing and even arguing as an intellectual exercise. Because you are so forward-thinking, you sometimes you get caught up in your imagination and lose track of real life.

In contrast, your counterpart is all about action. They live in the moment, not in their head, and like to get things done. They have little interest in fantasy, and like to stay firmly grounded in reality. They spend very little time wondering how the world could be different; they're too busy enjoying it as it is.

As you may initially suspect, this person can bring an aspect to your life that is sorely needed. Your relationship with them might be just the thing to get you out of your imagination and into the present moment. If you struggle to stay grounded, this person can bring you down to earth.

You're also likely to find that you have more fun with this person than anyone else in your life. They tend to be spontaneous, hedonistic, and even a bit of a daredevil, and they may inspire you to take chances that you wouldn't otherwise risk.

This person likely has a higher energy level than you do, and you may find their enthusiasm overwhelming at times. You may find it important to set boundaries and let them know when you need space and quiet.

You have a different style of communication from this person, and you’ll need to make some accommodations if this relationship is to reach its full potential. 

You tend to communicate in an abstract, theoretical way. You focus on making connections and interpreting meaning, exploring the "why" of the thing in question. Much of what you communicate is your idea, theory, or interpretation of what you see, rather than a direct observation. When making plans, you are inclined to spend a lot of time talking about the overall goal or theme of the plan—without having much interest in the details of exactly what will happen or how.

In contrast, your counterpart tends to communicate in a straightforward, concrete way, focusing on facts, details, history, and real-life experiences. They focus on the "what" when discussing something, and convey information that they observed directly or can back up with real-life evidence. When making plans, they tend to focus on the specific steps that will occur. And generally, they're interested in talking about real things, not ideas or theories.

While it may sound like you are speaking different languages, the truth is that although you have different comfort zones when it comes to communication, you are well able to get out of those comfort zones to meet halfway—and you'll both be the better for it. You can help your partner to stretch to look beyond the obvious of things and explore the deeper meaning. And in turn, they can help you to come back down to earth and discuss the details and facts of a situation, not just the big idea. 

When talking with this person, you may fall into the role of listener by default. Because they are more extraverted than you are, they'll tend to naturally speak more quickly and have more to say. You tend to be a bit more quiet and reserved, and are often more comfortable letting others have the floor. You may leave conversations with this person feeling like you actually didn't say much at all.

This can be a comfortable dynamic sometimes. Many introverts like having friends and associates who are dynamic and chatty and keep the conversation moving. Other times, it can be frustrating. Extraverts sometimes assume that because Introverts are a bit slower to get going, they have nothing to say. Your Extravert friends may chatter on, thinking that if they don't fill the silence, no one will. In fact, you might appreciate them slowing down a bit, asking more questions, and giving you the time and space to express yourself. You may not have a talk-show-host personality, but that doesn't mean you have nothing to share.

Consider the dynamic between the two of you and ask yourself if it works for you. Does your Extraverted counterpart make space for you to share your thoughts and feelings? Or do you feel like you're being steamrolled? If you never feel you get to express yourself with this person, it's time to let them know that your relationship needs some tweaking.

Be aware that when communicating with this person, your usual style may come off as overly blunt or even confrontational. Your counterpart pays a lot of attention to the quality of relationships and is constantly monitoring the emotional overtones of any conversation. This means that they are reluctant to say anything controversial or possibly upsetting.

You, on the other hand, have a tendency to call it like it is, without too much concern for how people will react. This can create an imbalance in your dynamic, where your Feeling counterpart is desperately trying to maintain emotional harmony while you relentlessly rock the boat.

You'll be more successful in your communications if you take time to consider the emotional impact of your words. Sure, everyone wants honesty, but most people also like tact. If you're delivering news that may be hard to hear, think about how you can soften the message. And be aware that your ever-so-charming habit of offering unsolicited "constructive criticism" may not always be taken in the spirit it was intended.

The two of you have very fundamental differences in what you value. While you tend to be a bit of an agitator, seeking out ways to shake up the system and make things newer, faster, and better, your counterpart is a traditionalist who will likely find your goals unnecessary, if not outright alarming. While you have a lot of potential to learn from one another, there are also a lot of hurdles to overcome if you are to understand each other.

At your core, you value change. You believe that everything can be analyzed, dissected, re-engineered, and improved. You most likely love science, technology, and innovations in business. To you, the future is an exciting place, and you may enjoy fantasizing about what the world will be like in 20, 50, or even a thousand years.

Your counterpart, on the other hand, puts faith in tradition, and trusts what has worked in the past. They appreciate social ties and feel comforted, rather than restricted, by institutions and traditions. Rather than being excited by the unknown, your counterpart finds it taxing to strike out into new territory. For this reason they are inclined to stick with what they know and follow in the footsteps of people and communities they trust.

You tend to have very little interest in tradition, while your counterpart has little interest in change for change's sake. In the worst case scenario, you're likely to feel that your counterpart is a bit dull and unimaginative. For their part, they're likely to see you as impractical, unrealistic, and insensitive to the needs of people who rely on established ways of doing things.

But conflict is not inevitable, and you each have something truly valuable to offer one another. For you, your partner offers a compassionate reality check for your sometimes pie-in-the-sky ideas. Let's face it, although you have some wonderfully innovative ideas, they're often mixed in with a few half-baked duds. This person is uniquely positioned to tell you, gently, when you're reinventing the wheel.

On the flip side, with a bit of trust, you can help your counterpart explore the unknown with a bit more enthusiasm. Your excitement and confidence in times of change can show them that what is new is not always unwelcome, and progress can be (and often is) a good thing.

You tend to prize hard work and achievement, in contrast with your counterpart, who puts a higher priority on just enjoying life. While you tend to be serious and goal-oriented, they are more relaxed and content to go with the flow. To you, they may appear unmotivated, flaky, or even lazy. But in truth, they just value freedom and flexibility more than you do, and they're willing to give up a few gold stars in favor of a more laid-back lifestyle. To them, your life may seem overly structured, routine, and just plain dull.

You'll probably experience some conflict over your different approaches to life. You'll want your counterpart to get serious, make plans, and stick with something (for once!). On the other hand, they'll bug you to loosen up, relax, and enjoy life. Although this has the potential to be aggravating for both of you, it's also an opportunity for each of you to discover a new style of living. Your partner can help you to become more spontaneous and ensure you are enjoying all that life has to offer. In turn, you can help them improve their ability to be organized, persistent, and responsible when it matters most.

Organization may be a sticking point between the two of you. While you like to establish structure in schedules, plans, and systems, your counterpart takes a more relaxed approach. You may find that disagreements arise over these fundamental differences.

If you share a physical space, you may disagree over how clean, tidy, and organized it needs to be. You will tend to feel more motivated to keep things in order, while your counterpart will have less of an innate need for organization.

Often, the more organized person in a relationship like yours ends up taking on more responsibilities, simply because they're paying more attention to what needs to be done. This can lead to resentment and imbalance in the relationship. You may feel as if you are the "adult" in the relationship, while your counterpart may feel nagged and harassed.

The best way to approach conflicts in this area is to frame your own desire for organization as just that—something you desire. It is generally unproductive to try to convince your partner that your structured, orderly way of doing things is the "correct" way, but if you approach it as simply stating your own preference, they may be more open to trying to accommodate you. 

Scheduling can also be an area of conflict for the two of you, as they like to leave things open-ended, while you prefer things planned and settled. Again, compromise is the key. The first step is to acknowledge that you have different approaches, and that each style has its benefits. Then, try to make sure your time together includes both scheduled events and free time for spontaneity, so you each get a chance to be at your best.

Finding harmony in your life together may take some effort because you see and communicate different things. While you look for patterns and metaphors in every interaction, your counterpart takes things at face value. For them, daily life is for living through their body and their senses. For you, it’s a springboard for testing out ideas.

In your mind, life exists to feed your curiosity and help you learn new things. Discovering new ideas is a lifelong pursuit and you take it very seriously. You tend to read widely, take classes for fun and pursue activities that allow you to explore the ‘yet to be discovered.’

The reverse is true for your counterpart. They are one of life’s ‘doers’ and they believe that actions speak louder than words. They tend to choose activities that will stimulate their senses or their body in some way—whether that’s cooking, bungee jumping or arts and crafts. There are plenty of hobbies here that you could both be interested in, but it can cause rifts between couples who can’t agree on what they want to do in their spare time.

Routines can be another area of conflict. While you dream of adventure to keep things interesting, your counterpart has a low tolerance for shaking things up for the sake of it. Instead of seeing this as a source of conflict, understand that you have much to offer each other here. You can focus on the big picture and offer up the angles and possibilities that give your partner a broader understanding of the world. They can focus on the details, on the present moment, and remind you what is important right now. As long as you’re communicating effectively, it’s a wonderful win-win.

Communicating your needs is crucial, as you both have a different tolerance for stimulation and social activities. You are energized by alone time and need regular periods of solitude to recharge your batteries. Your partner, by contrast, is energized by activity and probably makes plenty of room for friends, family, and social events. They won’t appreciate you refusing to socialize with them, leaving them alone and lonely, just as you won’t appreciate them overbooking the social calendar.

Communication is another challenge, since your partner prefers to deal with issues immediately while you may try to sweep problems under the rug. You need time to think something through before having an important conversation, and can feel backed into a corner if your partner gets all pushy and naggy. On the flip side, your partner knows how to speak their mind and defend their position, and it can be frustrating for them if they’re constantly having to drag a conversation out of you.

None of these differences is insurmountable and with a little compromise you can easily meet each other’s needs. Your partner’s job is to respect your need for solitude while encouraging you to attend events that are important to them. Compromise is a two-way street, and in return you must be fine with your partner going out and getting the social stimulation they need without resenting them for leaving you alone. 


Friendship intj and esfp


 am an INTJ to my mom’s ESFP. In the Myers-Briggs typology world, we’re about as different as two people can be. However, she’s also exactly what I needed growing up — and even today. As a mom, her strength (ESFPs are queens of practical support) was my weakness (why can everyone else fold laundry with such ease?). Today, I can easily say she’s been my greatest supporter in life.

Maybe that relationship has informed my hidden psychology, because I often notice and appreciate others who can support me in similar, tangible ways, be they friends, partners or mentors. For me, it’s been just as important to learn my strengths as it’s been to understand the kind of support I need when I’m not feeling strong — so I can ask for it, seek it out and surround myself with it.

Also, understanding that support comes in many forms has helped me tailor what I offer to the people I love and care for in return. Through learning their beats as well as my own, I’ve learned a lot. Below, my best guess as to what helps you the most, according to your Myers-Brigg personality type.

INTJs need… practical help.

INTJs regularly have their head in the clouds, dreaming up theories, playing with metaphors, dissecting existing science and technology, etc. And you’re good at it! Often, it’s your job (or at least a really growth-oriented hobby). However, with your head in the clouds, you can often forget to do the little things, like organizing your kitchen, putting together that piece of IKEA furniture you bought a month ago or getting your mom a gift for her birthday. Sometimes, you just don’t know where to start. But it’s okay to admit you’re overwhelmed and ask your friends, especially your SJs. They’ll help you get your life together in a single afternoon.

ENTPs need… grounding.

ENTPs are the idea-chasers of the Myers-Briggs. You want to do a thousand things, often at the same time, but frequently end up not completing what you started (whoops). Although you need space to roam and freedom to explore, it’s essential to surround yourself with one or two close friends who encourage you to focus, to live out a single project and explore within its boundaries, and to finish what you started before starting something new. People who lend you the perspective and insight to hone your end goal will ultimately help you achieve more so you’re checking off boxes instead of just getting really close but failing to cross the finish line.

INTPs need… relationship guidance.

INTPs want to have functional relationships. You’re just not always batting a thousand when it comes to understanding the emotional needs of others, and you can sometimes lash out when you’re putting in a ton of effort and not getting results. This might be because you have a tendency to repress feelings in favor of surface-level niceties. In doing so, you fail to address the deeper emotional dynamics playing out in your relationships (sexual satisfaction, intimacy needs, hurt feelings, ugly truths, etc.). What does that mean? Well, everything that glitters isn’t gold — and a relationship without fighting might not be healthy if you’re not being emotionally honest. Being around friends and partners who help you confront your softer side openly can really enrich your life for the better and make your relationships stronger.

ENTJs need… help deciphering your feelings.

ENTJs aren’t always comfortable with how emotions impact decision-making — or how they can or should influence it. Logic is systematic; emotion is messy! Logic can be trusted; emotion is fleeting! Or so you might think. In terms of support, finding someone who can help you embrace emotion and use it to your advantage in navigating work, love and life is the kind of friend you need in your life. Someone who will quietly sit with you as you emote out loud, using your direct and reasonable communication style, and ask incisive questions. Find a friend or two with a high EQ. Therapy might also be a huge growth tool for you.

INFJs need… alone time.

INFJs are usually super friendly and thoughtful in social settings. You’re always off in the corner, giving life advice and support to those you know extremely well and probably those you don’t know at all. (It must be a vibe you give off.) The kind of support you need? For your friends and loved ones to understand when you’re maxed out and need to take a day (or full week) from social obligations. No contact, no exceptions. You often feel guilty for needing to take alone time to center yourself, so you need those who will alleviate that sense of responsibility with understanding and an open door. “No worries for missing my party!” your ideal friend might say. “I’ll see you sometime next week.”

ENFPs need… unconditional love and support.

ENFPs love to chase ideas, new people, novel experiences — basically whatever is inspiring them at that very moment. You struggle to find people who fully accept you in the way you accept them. Because you give so much, you are often surrounded by those who take a lot. In your closest relationships, though, it’s important that you find mutual love, kindness, support and understanding that’s unconditional in nature. You actually don’t need a lot of practical support; you just need your closest pillars to let you be your full, vibrant self, nab your own wins and make your own mistakes.

INFPs need… understanding and awareness.

INFPs are both painfully aware and incredibly supportive of others’ needs for authentic self-expression. You will always honor differences and seek to understand someone before you jump to conclusions. You will also try your hardest to be the best friend, daughter, partner, etc., you feel your loved ones deserve. You do these things because you deeply desire them in return. It’s the way you show how much you support those you care about, and you need to feel “seen” in return. In order to thrive, look for those with a capacity to understand and a willingness to listen to you when you articulate your needs (which can be so hard for you to do).

ENFJs need… depth and consistency.

ENFJs are remarkably confident and centered; you’ve probably been handling crises for decades. That said, there are dings in your effervescent armor. You can do small talk for ages if the situation calls for it, but need depth to feel fulfilled. On top of that, you tend to overthink just a teensy bit and require consistency in your relationships and friendships. Seek out those who have similar intimacy needs and those constants will be your rocks.

ISTJs need… daring encouragement.

ISTJs are always the first to step in and help, but usually the last to chase their own dreams. You usually know what you want and the necessary steps to get there, but the overwhelming reality of everything that might go wrong keeps you from going back to school, traveling to a remote country or investing in that big idea. You need people who see your capabilities clearly and talk up everything that might go right to counter the critical voices in your head. With those people, you’ll reach for more and have a support system whether you win or lose.

ESTPs need… to feel needed and valued.

ESTPs get a bad rap for living mostly in the moment and taking a lot of risks, which might seem careless to others. But your daredevil streak exists because, with your confident and practical skills, you can and often do pull it off; you are a supremely capable person. You don’t need a lot of outward support. However, in matters of the heart, you can feel a bit detached. You’re in the best possible place around people who feed your nurturing side, who force you to slow down and plan for the future. You also need to feel needed and valued for the care you bring your friends and family, whether that’s practical support or unrelenting encouragement. Those people actually help you feel your feelings, and those feelings ground you in the most satisfying ways.

ISTPs need… freedom to roam.

Most ISTPs know they’re not going to lead a conventional lifestyle. Whether you’re planning to run a marathon in every state or start down a life-consuming career path, you still appreciate the support of your friends and family. More than anything? You need others to believe that you know what you want — even if they don’t understand why. That kind of respect is the foundation of all your best relationships.

ESTJs need… an avenue for adventure.

ESTJs perhaps work the hardest of all the types, but they also need their fair share of escape to keep their sanity intact. You also appreciate your friends and family a ton, even though you wish you got to see them more. That said, you will take any opportunity for a weekend trip to the museum or a weeklong getaway to Morocco. If adventure and discovery await, you’re there. And there’s nothing you appreciate more than friends who will go along for the ride, all while spending quality time with you. It helps you unwind in the best possible way while still feeling like you can remain an active part of your loved ones’ lives.

ISFJs need… friends to lift them up.

ISFJs tend to struggle stepping out of their comfort zones and are greatly affected by others’ emotions. You are sort of the backbone of every friend group and family structure in that way, making sure everyone is happy and taken care of. And yet! Many of your nearest-and-dearest forget how wildly behind the scenes you are, and you’re otherwise too humble to mention it. But you need your friends and family to give you a boost out of that comfort zone; you need words of encouragement to remember how great you are, and sometimes physical support (like going with you to the job interview, the audition, etc.) to make sure you don’t back out. Surround yourself with the friends who elevate you and remind you how much you have to offer.

ESFPs need… a plan and a support system.

ESFPs are kind of big kids at heart. You’re playful and exciting, open and adaptable. But when it comes to planning for the future and setting goals? You typically know you’re capable of anything, you just need someone to help you define your exact mission and how to get there. Taking your goals one step at a time makes the process more manageable for you, and you’re good at it — but you tend to abandon projects that require intense, long-term planning. With that in mind, it’s important to hang around and consult those “big picture” dreamers in your crew; they’ll help you define your objectives and keep your eyes on the prize. And the rest of your squad? They can be the building blocks of your support system, because, at the end of the day, win or lose, you really do value some softness to fall back on.

ISFPs need… intimacy and help with execution.

ISFPs lead with their hearts, albeit quietly. You don’t always go around shouting your love, but you’d go to the ends of the earth to show your friends and family how much you care. All you ask in return is for true intimacy; to you, distance breeds secrecy, and you’d rather have the ugly truth than a pretty lie. In a more practical sense, you also do well when you spend time with others who kick your butt into gear. You actually know yourself deeply, know exactly what you’re good at and have a knack for determining what dreams will fill you up; you just struggle with the execution part. Friends who will help you — with financial plans to start your own business, with a reference for your MFA application — will be your next-door heroes.

ESFJs need… reciprocal caring.

ESFJs spend so much of their time channeling energy into those they love. And you love it. Being so selfless is an admirable quality, but you’re sort of willing to see the good in anyone, almost to your detriment. You frequently focus much of your time and effort on those who aren’t reciprocally invested in you. Becoming more discerning about who’s giving back to you in equal measure can really help you get the emotional support you need so your love tank isn’t on E. If your texts are outnumbering theirs to a remarkable degree, or you’ve asked to hang out the past six times, maybe save some of that energy for yourself.

Gif by Louisiana Mei Gelpi.

Similarity in body language- INTJ and ESFP

I couldn't resist, I'm sorry. You were so. Well, I could not. - But I'm not an outsider aunt. it's still clear there.

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He began kissing my toes, my legs, gradually approaching my hips.

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