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New Girl: 10 Funniest Nick Miller Quotes, Ranked

Nick Miller is one of the funniest characters on New Girl. With a deadpan and sarcastic style of humor that resembles Chandler from Friends in many ways, Nick is also inadvertently funny on many occasions. Both his belief and disbelief in things, his inability to comprehend many modern things and thoughts, all amount to several hilarious situations that Nick either creates or becomes involved in.

RELATED: New Girl: 10 Saddest Things About Nick

Nick is also childish and immature, and even when he attempts to act like a grownup, there is never anything that he can't make a funny situation out of, leading to a handful of hilarious lines.

10 "Sometimes Up Close, Art Is Ugly"

The seriousness with which Nick plans his prank on Schmidt is the starting point for this undeniably funny line. He plans to fill a jar full of pee and pour it over Schmidt's bed to make him think that he's incontinent.

When Jess expresses her displeasure about this plan of his, he just shrugs and mouths the above quote. The fact that he considers this prank to be art is just hilarious, and the seriousness with which he approaches it makes it all the funnier.

9 "I've Never Been An Inspiration Before...I Don't Like This Much Responsibility."

When Winston very reluctantly points out how only Nick seems to be the one following his passions, no matter how weird his passions might seem to others, Nick gets all excited for a minute, until he deflates. He's incredibly happy because no one has ever seen him as an inspiration before.

But he immediately withdraws it himself, stating that being an inspiration is too much responsibility. Even the mildest of responsibilities worry Nick and this is one of the funnier instances where it becomes explicitly clear.

8 "A Bank Is Just A Paper Bag With Fancier Walls"

When Jess makes the suggestion that he start a bank account to keep his money, Nick launches a tirade about the redundancy of banks. He claims that they are as useful for holding money as a paper bag, and the only difference between the two being the fancier walls that banks have.

RELATED: New Girl: The 10 Cutest Things Nick Did For Jess

The fact that Nick chooses to store his money in a box in his room, refusing to deposit it into a bank, and has the most irrational excuse for doing so, makes the already comical situation even more hilarious.

7 "I Got Two Perfectly Good Forks At The End Of My Arms!"

When Jess and Cece are sharing a cake, Nick swoops in to steal a slice. The fact that he just picks it up from the cake tray and starts eating it without using a fork greatly annoys Jess.

But Nick, ever the practical man, yells, saying that he has two perfectly good forks at the end of his arms, and so obviously doesn't need any other metal contraptions. His laziness and lack of interest in following any etiquette rule clearly come through here.

6 "We Can't Break Up If I Can't Hear You"

Technically quite a serious and emotional moment where Caroline tries to break up with Nick, he simply makes the viewers laugh with his brand of logic, wherein he assumes that if he doesn't hear her breaking up with him, then obviously they are not broken up.

This insane logic of Nick's is just hilarious to fans and shows how his mind just automatically turns even such a dramatic situation into a comical one, albeit inadvertently.

5 "I'm Just Telling Her What Kind Of Cake To Bake Me, Son."

Nick gets caught up in the middle of the newly single Coach ready to go and party, and his girlfriend Jess, with whom he technically hasn't had the "boyfriend-girlfriend" conversation yet. He wants to appear cool in front of Coach, while also making sure he doesn't antagonize his girlfriend, but fails miserably in doing so.

RELATED: New Girl: 10 Signs That Nick And Jess Were Always Going To Be Endgame

When Coach provokes him by asking him whether his girlfriend was not letting him go, he replies back with this extremely out-of-character line that is just hilarious because even Nick's reaction changes as soon as he realizes what he just said.

4 "I Will Push If I Want To Push"

Nick combines physical humor with clever (mostly unintentional) wordplay to create humorous situations for viewers. This is one such instance where he just refuses to push a door that very clearly requires to be pushed, and instead keeps pulling at it with no end in sight.

His stubbornness is very evident here but it is the simple fact of him just pulling at a door yelling "I hate doors!" that is just too funny for fans to handle.

3 "You Treat An Outside Wound With Rubbing Alcohol, You Treat An Outside Wound With Drinking Alcohol"

Nick says very seriously, without a trace of irony, that it is obviously "science" to treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, and an "inside" wound with drinking alcohol. The perpetual beer drinker Nick doesn't really need many excuses to do so.

The fact that he comes up with this rationale of treating sadness with alcohol and calling it "science" to top it off, in his very serious tone, makes this an undeniably funny line.

2 "A Writing Class Is For Somebody Who Doesn't Think Lyrically In Terms Of, Like Poetic Words That Are Just Strung..."

Nick begins this line by saying, "as a writer", and the hilarious aspect of it is that he just gives up on his own sentence when he's midway through it.

RELATED: New Girl: 10 Best Things That Happened To Nick

He tries to make a point but right in the middle of it, he realizes that his own words are failing him and his qualifying himself as a writer in this situation just made his situation look even funnier. He starts incredibly confident and then literally shrugs and just gives up halfway through the sentence.

1 "You Gave Me A Cookie, I Gave You A Cookie."

Schmidt brings Nick a cookie claiming that he thought about him and simply got him a cookie. Chaos ensues after this with Nick losing his mind about what to get Schmidt back in return, and then finally ending up getting him a cookie as well.

Nick just keeps repeating the above line with multiple intonations, as he tries to understand, comprehend, and explain, what his rationale was, to himself and to Schmidt. The mere fact that Nick just repeats this same line over and over again makes it one of the funniest moments on the show.

NEXT: New Girl: 10 Memes Nick Miller Fans Will Love

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New Girl: 10 Most Romantic Nick Miller Quotes

The sitcom New Girl is best known for its hilarious cast and their chemistry, but the show could get serious once in a while. It could also handle some pretty romantic exchanges. While most fans would argue that the romance between Cece and Schmidt stood out more than the will-they-won't-they nature of Jess and Nick, that doesn't mean Nick didn't have some romantic moments.

RELATED: New Girl Relationships As Taylor Swift Songs

In fact, the bulk of Nick's most romantic scenes in the series with Jess. Even some of his lines that were played for laughs or said in the midst of an argument were actually pretty sweet.

10 "It Doesn't Matter Because I Like You A Lot."

At the start of season 3, Schmidt actively tries to sabotage the relationship between Jess and Nick because he blames them for interfering in his own love life. He puts the two of them in a position to talk about their feelings, believing Nick won't do it.

From the pilot episode of New Girl, Nick is clearly the roommate who has the hardest time dealing with his feelings, but by the time he says this, he's ready to attempt to talk. Nick, much to Schmidt's surprise, suddenly starts opening up to Jess in the middle of an argument, telling her all of the things he likes about her - and the things he doesn't. According to Nick, it doesn't matter if she has qualities that annoy him because of how much he likes her. It's a big step in growing up for Nick, and definitely a stand-out moment in his romantic journey.

9 "She's Got That Giant Heart That's Part Compass And Part Flashlight, And She's Just The Greatest Person I've Ever Met."

Like most of Nick's romantic lines, this one is about Jess. It's not, however, said to her, but in a conversation with her father Bob when the two aren't even speaking. In fact, it's said when Nick hasn't even figured out that he's still in love with her, but when Jess is avoiding him.

While some relatives of New Girl characters only make a single appearance, Jess' father plays a larger role, especially when it comes to Nick and Jess. Though he has his doubts about the two of them initially, he grows to really care about Nick, and the way Nick talks about Jess is part of what convinces him that the two are perfect for one another. When they have this conversation while Nick is trying to contact Jess, Bob figures out how Nick feels about Jess, even if Nick isn't yet on the same page.

8 "Now We're Both In The Same Amount Of Pain!"

In the season 3 episode "Double Date," Nick and Jess discover that Schmidt has been cheating on Cece with Elizabeth, and they want to make sure that she learns the truth. While racing to get to the restaurant where they're supposed to go on a double date, Jess accidentally shocks herself on the car's cigarette lighter.

Nick wants to more than just sympathize with her; he wants to share her pain. It's sweet, and he puts his own finger in the cigarette lighter to demonstrate, which results in this line. It's misguided, but it shows how much Nick cares about her.

7 "I Fell In Love With Jess The Minute She Walked Through The Door."

Caroline and Jess never get along. That might be because Jess hears how horrible Caroline is from Schmidt, Coach, and Winston. It also might be because Jess is presented as Nick's girlfriend (though she isn't) when Caroline first meets her. Regardless, they don't become friends.

RELATED: The 10 Best Decisions Nick Made In New Girl

When Caroline runs into them long after Nick breaks up with her, she wants to know what the reason for the split was and she suspects that he had feelings for Jess all along. While Nick admits to that with this line that's a revelation for Jess and the audience, he also is quick to clarify that he never cheated on Caroline. The admission acts as a way to explain why Nick is so reluctant to live with Jess in the pilot episode for fans who didn't understand his hostility.

6 "I'm Really Fighting The Urge To Buy You A Lobster Dinner Right Now."

In Nick's head, a lobster dinner for a date is the epitome of romance. That's why this line comes across as romantic despite being played for laughs.

When Nick and Jess decide to officially give a relationship a try, despite being roommates and all the complications that could arise, this line is a nod to him tempering his feelings for her. It makes the audience laugh while still showing he's serious.

5 "This Is The Coin I Had In My Pocket The First Time We Kissed, And I Always Have It."

Nick always claims that he isn't particularly sentimental but it's clearly a lie he tells himself. He's so sentimental he keeps a coin from the first time he kissed Jess in his pocket at all times.

Nick reveals the secret in a video made for Jess' birthday in season 3. In any of his other relationships, Nick might have considered something like this embarrassing, but with Jess, he's willing to admit it on a recording that's played for all of her friends. That's Nick's version of romance.

4 "Jessica Night Is The Whole Reason Pepperwood Gets Out Of Bed Everyday!"

When Nick pens the first of The Pepperwood Chronicles, it's clear that several things are inspired by the people in his life. A publisher, however, doesn't realize that and discusses killing his Jessica Night character off when he writes a sequel.

RELATED: 10 Things New Girl Fans Might Not Know About The Pepperwood Chronicles

That idea doesn't sit well with Nick at all since Night is based on Jessica Day and Julius Pepperwood, the titular character of his novel, is based on himself. It's sweet that he can't bring himself to kill off the character, but that realization also helps him understand his feelings for Jess (along with Schmidt's talk right before, of course).

3 "I Realized Something... I'd Do Anything For You, Jess."

Early in their first attempt at a relationship, Jess tries to get Nick to grow up before he's really ready to. One of the things she does is use a sudden windfall to pay his bills, which leads to an argument about, among other things, banks.

Nick ends up surprising Jess when he decides to open a bank account, and his explanation is that he's discovered he'd do anything for her. Opening a bank account might not seem like the most romantic of actions, but for Nick, it's a big step.

2 "I've Had The Time Of My Life..."

This particular quote isn't one said by Nick, but instead, sung by him. It happens in the pilot episode of the series, and while it doesn't have to be interpreted as romantic, it certainly feels that way when the audience knows more about how Nick viewed Jess upon first meeting her.

The line in question comes from "I've Had (The Time Of My Life)" that Nick and his roommates hear repeatedly while Jess watches Dirty Dancing over and over after moving in. Nick knows that it cheers Jess up, so he sings to her, and gets the guys to join in (with the wrong words) when they discover her first date since her breakup stood her up. It's one of the most memorable musical scenes in New Girl, but also speaks to Nick's deeper feelings for her.

1 "... Even When I Don't Want You There, You're There. That's What A Husband Does... You're A Great Husband To Me."

This is one of the few romantic lines in the series that Nick gives that isn't about or said to Jess. Instead, it's said to Schmidt. Nick has a longer speech he gives Schmidt when the latter is worried that he won't be a good husband for Cece.

Nick points out that Schmidt isn't just a good friend to him - Schmidt acts like his husband. He reminds Schmidt how much he really takes care of him - like cooking for him, combing his hair when he's passed out, and just being there for him. Everything that Nick points out to Schmidt are things Nick wholeheartedly believes Schmidt will do for his wife, which makes their relationship just as sweet as Schmidt's with Cece, despite their bickering.

NEXT: 5 Times Nick Was A Great Friend In New Girl (& 5 Times He Wasn't)

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Best 87 Nick Miller Quotes – New Girl

Hello New Girl fans here we listed best Nick Miller quotes from series.

1- “We can’t break up if I don’t hear you. No! La, la, la, la.” – Nick Miller

2- “I don’t deal with exes. They’re part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon.” – Nick Miller

3- “You can go to my funeral but you can’t talk. My funeral is my time to shine.” – Nick Miller

4- “I once had a bass teacher when I was younger who did the standing bass. He had a very weird smell, and I still think about it.” – Nick Miller

Nick Miller Quotes - New Girl

5- “I’ve got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms.” – Nick Miller

6- “No, I don’t dance. I’m from the town in Footloose.” – Nick Miller

7- “Sucks for me!” – Nick Miller

8- “I don’t believe dinosaurs existed. I’ve seen the science. I don’t believe it.” – Nick Miller

9- “Nothing is ever truly broken.” – Nick Miller

10- “Drinking to forget? That’s my sweet spot!” – Nick Miller

11- “Leprechauns are real.” – Nick Miller

12- “I like your hat. I like how it’s not a team or a logo – it’s just blue.” – Nick Miller

13- “Adele’s amazing.” – Nick Miller

14- “Life sucks! And then it gets better, and then it sucks again.” – Nick Miller

15- “I’m perfectly fine to watch TV all day.” – Nick Miller

Nick Miller Quotes - New Girl

16- “Absolutely not. No! I don’t trust fish. They breathe water… that’s crazy.” – Nick Miller

17- “I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically.” – Nick Miller

18- “I hate doors!” – Nick Miller

19- “You’re a terrible person. It’s hilarious.” – Nick Miller

20- “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.” – Nick Miller

21- “You’re a freaking gold digger, Jess!” – Nick Miller

22- “I want magic, is that so bad?” – Nick Miller

23- “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.” – Nick Miller

24- “So I have good news from the doctor — you don’t have rabies. You have giardia, and something called “Legionnaires Disease.” – Nick Miller

25- “If I can’t have a kid with a woman, then maybe I’ll have one with my cousin.” – Nick Miller

26- “He lost five pounds, he gained confidence with women, and he saw the movie ‘Multiplicity’ 25 times.” – Nick Miller

Nick Miller Quotes - New Girl

27- “I’m gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you.” – Nick Miller

28- “Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It’s about my clothes.” – Nick Miller

29- “Trust me, I’m wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing.” – Nick Miller

30- “Fantasy and nightmare colliding.” – Nick Miller

31- “I put on my special underwear because Jess is back because I made a promise I’d be wearing these when you came back.” – Nick Miller

32- “It’s a weird life, but it’s where I’m at right now.” – Nick Miller

33- “Everybody has been flashed countless times, right?” – Nick Miller

34- “Look at those horny horny hippos.” – Nick Miller

35- “That explains why they’re so sticky. Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don’t get sick.” – Nick Miller

36- “I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less doughnuts.” – Nick Miller

37- “Twenty-year-old girls! They’re awesome! They don’t know what Saved by the Bell is, and they’ve never felt pain!” – Nick Miller

38- “She’s got that giant heart that’s part compass and part flashlight and she’s just the greatest person I have ever met.” – Nick Miller

39- “Men don’t talk to people they’ve dated unless they want sex, or they’re Winston.” – Nick Miller

40- “Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.” – Nick Miller

Nick Miller Quotes - New Girl

41- “You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie.” – Nick Miller

42- “I like getting older, I feel like I’m aging into my personality.” – Nick Miller

43- “You’re a big girl, you can watch Walking Dead alone.” – Nick Miller

44- “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the whole middle part is going to be awesome.” – Nick Miller

45- “I’m like a mailman, but instead of mail, it’s hot sex that I deliver.” – Nick Miller

46- “Hey everyone I’m Julius Pepperwood, ex-cop, ex-marine…I’m from Chicago. Thin crust pizza? No thank you, I’m from Chicago.” – Nick Miller

47- “It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.” – Nick Miller

48- “That’s hot to me. You add some sweatpants to that and that is better than porn.” – Nick Miller

49- “Life sucks. Then it gets better. Then it sucks again.” – Nick Miller

50- “I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I’m still using them.” – Nick Miller

51- “If you were a hat, you’d be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that with deepest compliments.” – Nick Miller

52- “I don’t know if Hogwarts is near San Diego. I’ve never heard of it.” – Nick Miller

53- “DeeDee? That’s not a name.” – Nick Miller

54- “You’re a real sandwich lady, and I wanna scream your name across the ocean.” – Nick Miller

55- “I need to eat my way out of a sandwich house.” – Nick Miller

56- “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.” – Nick Miller

57- “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.” – Nick Miller

58- “I don’t know what ‘mazel tov’ means, but it doesn’t sound good.” – Nick Miller

59- “No part of this conversation is making me wanna boil over with rage.” – Nick Miller

60- “A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.” – Nick Miller

61- “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.” – Nick Miller

62- “I’m not convinced I know how to read; I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” – Nick Miller

63- “What is money anyway? It’s just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold, I understand; it’s shiny.” – Nick Miller

64- “Is calling a girl ‘Shorty’ still cool?” – Nick Miller

65- “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.’” – Nick Miller

66- Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.” – Nick Miller

67- “The sky’s too fickle. It’s a play-place for butterflies.” – Nick Miller

68- “First order of business, we eat their food.” – Nick Miller

69- “When I work out, which isn’t often, I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up.” – Nick Miller

70- “I’ve done things. I wrote half a book about zombies!” – Nick Miller

71- “If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called ‘talkings.’” – Nick Miller

72- “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the middle part is gonna be awesome.” – Nick Miller

73- “I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.” – Nick Miller

74- “I refuse to pay for the weefee.” – Nick Miller

75- “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.” – Nick Miller

76- “I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy with all those ladies’ voices coming and then the guy’s rapping. I think it’s awesome.” – Nick Miller

77- “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.” – Nick Miller

78- “I’ve never been an inspiration before… I don’t like this much responsibility.” – Nick Miller

79- “Nick Miller: Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.” – Nick Miller

80- “Sandwiches and sex!? I want that!” – Nick Miller

81- “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!” – Nick Miller

82- “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.” – Nick Miller

83- “Pink robes are my catnip.” – Nick Miller

84- “You can’t just say ‘butt drinking’ and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.” – Nick Miller

85- “I’d give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today.” – Nick Miller

86- “I’m not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65 percent beer.” – Nick Miller

87- “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” – Nick Miller

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The best of nick miller - new girl

38 Priceless Nick Miller Quotes That Will Feed Your Grumpy Soul

New Girl

1. “If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called ‘talkings.'”

2. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!”

3. “Nick Miller: turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.”

4. “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.”

5. “I’ve never been an inspiration before…I don’t like this much responsibility.”

6. “When I work out, which isn’t often, I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up.”

7. “I refuse to pay for the weefee.”

8. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

9. “The sky’s too fickle. It’s a play-place for butterflies.”

10. “Is calling a girl ‘Shorty’ still cool?”

New Girl

11. “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.'”

12. “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.”

13. “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the middle part is gonna be awesome.”

14. “What is money anyway? It’s just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold I understand, it’s shiny.”

15. “A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.”

16. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.”

17. “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.”

18. “No part of this conversation is making me wanna boil over with rage.”

19. “I hate doors!”

20. “Sandwiches and sex!? I want that!”

21. “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.”

New Girl

22. “I don’t know what ‘mazel tov’ means, but it doesn’t sound good.”

23. “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”

24. “I need to eat my way out of a sandwich house.”

25. “You’re a terrible person. It’s hilarious. ”

26. “I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo and I cried hysterically.”

27. “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.”

28. “Absolutely not. No! I don’t trust fish. They breathe water… that’s crazy.”

29. “Life sucks! And then it gets better, and then it sucks again.”

30. “I like your hat. I like how it’s not a team or a logo – it’s just blue.”

31. “Drinking to forget? That’s my sweet spot!”

32. “I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.”

New Girl

33. “I don’t believe dinosaurs existed. I’ve seen the science. I don’t believe it.”

34. “No, I don’t dance. I’m from the town in Footloose.”

35. “Pink robes are my catnip.”

36. “I once had a bass teacher when I was younger who did the standing bass. He had a very weird smell, and I still think about it.”

37. “I don’t deal with exes. They’re part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon.”

38.“I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Sours: https://thoughtcatalog.com/johanna-mort/2015/07/38-priceless-nick-miller-quotes-that-will-feed-your-grumpy-soul/

Miller quotes nick

New Girl

Men of means.

Winston and Nick

You're a real sandwich lady and I wanna scream your name across the ocean.

DeeDee? That's not a name.

I don't know if Hogwarts is near San Diego. I've never heard of it.

Ever since I've known you, you've been there. OK. You're always there. Even when I don't want you there, you're there. That's what a husband does. You fight for me. Thats what a husband does. You care about what I eat. That's what a husband does. You've cooked for me even when I don't ask. That's what a husband does. When I pass out you comb my hair so there's no knots in it. That's what a husband does. So guess what? You're gonna be a great husband to Cece cause you're a great husband to me.

Nick: What does a man do about that pain?
Schmidt: Takes a bubble bath.

You got hurt on a hog man!

Jess: Nick, are you eating raisins from my purse? I confiscated those from a kid.
Nick: That explains why they're so sticky. Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don't get sick.

I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer.

I'd give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today.

Everbody has been flashed countless times, right?

It's not gonna end well for these two.

Sours: https://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/characters/nick-miller/
Tribute to Nick Miller

A man is taken not only by spreading his legs in front of him. You must be a real woman. She knows how to keep the apartment clean and cook deliciously. It is in bed that you will become a prostitute, and in the kitchen and in the house you should be a mistress, a. Woman.

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But she felt that the matter was coming to an end, and pulled this prankster out of her mouth. Then they washed each other in the shower. Well, then we got out of the bath, wrapped only in large terry towels.



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